Choices
by hobbleit
Summary: Written for the sn.tv fic challenge. Sam finds a college acceptance letter in Dean's bag and Dean reminsices about the night Sam left for college
1. Chapter 1

**This was written for the Sn.tv fic challenge. Rules: Write a short story about one of the following:  
- Sam or John find a college acceptance letter for Dean  
- Sam's acceptance to Stanford  
- The night Sam left for college  
- The first hunt after Sam went away to college.**

**I couldn't decide between the first one or the thrid one so I did both, lol**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatural or any of its characters**

**Choices by Hobbleit**

It had been a long night and Dean was exhausted. All he wanted to was take a hot shower to ease his aching bones and crawl into bed. Actually he wanted to sleep for a week but there was work to do; evil to hunt and it wasn't going to wait around for Dean to recover from a relatively easy hunt.

Sam had collapsed on the bed as soon as he had entered the motel room and was doing a very good impression of being asleep; his arm was slung over his eyes and his breathing had evened out slightly but not enough to convince Dean that his brother was really asleep. He smiled gently at his brother and decided it was best not to disturb him. Sam never slept well anymore so he would just leave him to get as much peace as he could.

Dean closed the bathroom door and turned on the shower. He was under the hot spray before he remembered that he had forgotten his shower gel; it was still in his bag. Groaning to himself he called out to his brother.

"SAM!" He shouted to get his attention. "Sam, hey Sam," he repeated until he heard his brother call back.

"What do you want?" Sam called back.

"Can you get me my shower gel from my bag?"

"Sure," Sam said and pulled himself off the bed; throwing Dean's bag onto the bed where he had just been lying. He rummaged through the bag but couldn't find it. "Where is it?" He asked Dean.

"Should be in the bag."

"I can't find it dude, wait; hold on," he said. "Here it is," as he pulled the shower gel out of his bag an envelope dropped out with it. He was just about to shove it back into the bag when he noticed that it was stamped with a university logo and he stopped. He could help but stare at it. When had Dean applied to college? He was brought out of his thoughts by his brother shouting.

"Have you got it?" He called.

"Uh yeah," Sam called back. "I'm leaving it just inside the door," he cracked the bathroom door slightly and put the shower gel onto the floor. He closed the door and went back to the envelope.

He didn't want to open it; it would be a complete invasion of his brother's privacy but he couldn't help himself. He turned it over. It had been opened very carefully; which was very un-Dean like, he would usually just tear letters open. He gently lifted the flap and pulled the letter out.

It was dated 1997 when Dean was eighteen. Sam couldn't remember Dean applying to college; he couldn't even remember Dean showing an interest in college so he couldn't believe he was reading this. He scanned the page; his eyes widening at what he'd just read.

Not only had Dean applied to college; he'd been offered a place. Now Sam was confused. If he'd got into college then why didn't he go?

"What are you looking at?" Dean asked; causing Sam to nearly jump out of his skin. Dean had a suspicion about what it was and his stomach lurched at the thought of his secret being discovered but he wanted Sam to confirm it.

"Uh… Erm…" Sam struggled to come up with a usable excuse but he came up empty. "I'm sorry, Dean," he apologised, "I just found it when I was looking for your shower gel."

"And you just had to read it," Dean replied through gritted teeth; snatching the letter out of Sam's hands before sitting down on the bed, staring at the letter.

"I never knew you applied to college," Sam said softly; sitting down next to his brother who was doing his best not to meet Sam's eyes.

"It's no big deal."

"No big deal?" Sam asked in disbelief. "After all the grief I got when I went to college. What did dad say?"

"He didn't say anything," Dean replied rather quickly. "I never told him."

"You never told him?"

"Why are you repeating everything I say?" Dean asked defensively. "I don't even know why we're having this conversation; it doesn't matter anymore."

"You kept this secret for ten years, why?"

Dean sat quietly for a moment staring at the floor before he took a deep breath and started to speak, "I never told anyone because it was just a stupid dream."

"It didn't have to be."

"Yes it did. There was no way I could'a gone to college."

"Why not?"

"I remember the day I got the letter," Dean smiled sadly. "I was so excited and for a moment I forgot that it was something that I couldn't do."

"Why not?" Sam repeated; his face soft, feeling sorry for Dean.

"Dad had been on a hunt," Dean explained, "And he got pretty badly hurt and you were arguing with him; calling him reckless and how could he put himself in danger like that? I stood there and I realised that if I left then dad needed someone there to make sure he didn't get himself killed."

"You shouldn't have had to do that. You should've been able to go to college."

"It was a long time ago; I'm over it."

"If you're over it then why did you keep the letter?" Sam asked.

"I don't know," he shrugged his shoulders. "I guess I just wanted a reminder that I'm not completely useless."

"You are not useless, Dean."

"Yeah? Feels like it sometimes. It's probably a good thing that I didn't go; especially seeing as how dad reacted when you left."

"Dean," Sam started but Dean stopped him.

"Sam, I'm not like you. I just didn't have the strength to leave like you did," he admitted to his brother. "Can we not talk about this anymore? I'm tired and I don't really wanna talk anymore," he sighed and stood up; throwing the covers of the bed back. He could feel Sam's eyes boring into the back of his head but didn't turn around. He just collapsed into bed and pretended to fall asleep.

He couldn't sleep though. Talking about the letter had dredged up some painful thoughts; about the life he could have had but also about the night Sam left.

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Dean heard the yelling long before he opened the door to the motel. At first he wasn't too concerned; after all, they argued all the time but after listening for a while Dean realised this was far worse than normal. Taking a deep breath; he steeled himself before entering the small motel room.

"You are not going and that is final," he heard his dad yell at Sam.

"You can't stop me from going; I will not let you control my life like that," Sam yelled back; throwing his arms up in anger.

"As long as you are under the same roof as me then you will do as I say."

"I'm not going to take this; I'm not Dean, I won't be this perfect little soldier that does whatever you tell me."

"Hey, what's goin' on?" Dean interrupted; his voice slightly shaky, he hated it whenever they argued. It made him feel sick to his stomach.

"It's nothing," Sam replied; his voice still full of anger from yelling at John.

"It's not nothing, Sam; why don't you tell your brother?"

"Tell me what? What's going on?" Dean now felt scared and confused. He looked at Sam for an answer.

"I got into college," he picked a letter up from the table and handed it to Dean. He stared at it for a moment; not saying anything. "I'm going," he said quietly.

"No you are not going," John interrupted. Sam turned back to his father and started yelling again.

"You can't stop me from going; you don't control my life."

Then John said something that shocked Dean to the core. "If you walk out of that door then don't come back."

"Fine," Sam replied and stormed into the bathroom; slamming the door behind him. John stared at the door for a second with regret in his eyes but; deciding he couldn't take any of it back, he instead chose to leave the motel room. Dean couldn't do anything but stand there as he heard his father drive off.

A few minutes later Sam emerged from the bathroom. "Where'd dad go?" He asked; his voice low and sad. Dean could only shrug his shoulders as he watched his little brother pick up his bag and start to throw his clothes in.

"You're leaving," Dean managed to say.

"I have to," Sam replied. "I can't stay here. I can't be like you."

"Like me, what's that supposed to mean?"

"I can't be dad's perfect soldier; I don't want that. It might be enough for you but it's not for me. I have to live my own life."

"And you think that's all I want?"

"Yeah," Sam told him. Dean felt the anger rise up inside him but he pushed it back down. It wasn't Sam's fault he'd given up his chance to go to college. "You could've gone to college; got out of this life but you chose not to."

"Well, we can't all be geeky smart like you," Dean tried to joke but not even he could fake a laugh.

Sam stopped packing his bags for a moment and stared at his brother. "You could come," he said hopefully. Dean looked at his brother and shook his head slightly.

"I can't."

"Why? Are you so afraid of getting on dad's bad side?"

"It's not that…" Dean tried to explain but found he couldn't think of the words. "I… I…" He struggled to explain.

"Don't Dean," Sam softly shook his head and zipped the bag closed. "I'll call you when I get there; let you know I'm okay," Dean couldn't do anything but nod dumbly. "Take care of yourself," Sam said before opening the door and closing it softly behind him.

Dean couldn't move; he was rooted to the spot. The only thing he needed in life was his family and Sam had just walked out of his life. He felt a tear roll down his cheek but he didn't attempt to wipe it away. There was so much he wanted to say to Sam; he wanted to tell him he was proud of him, that if he ever needed anything all he had to do was call and he'd be there in a flash. He hurried to the door and hurled it open hoping Sam would still be in sight but he was gone.

Dean closed the door quietly and leaned against it for a moment before he moved away and perched on the edge of the bed. He began to cry; hot tears poured down his cheeks. He drew his legs up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them; sobbing quietly and feeling completely alone.

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Dean turned over in bed and took a moment to stare at his sleeping brother. He had never wanted him to find out about this. He knew that Sam would eventually want to make him tell him all about it but Dean was going to make sure that the talk would come a long time from now.


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: lilballerette said I couldn't leave the story there so I added a second Chapter. I promise this story is now completely done. Oh, I know nothing about the American education system other than what I've seen on TV so I've skipped over it (All I know is that it's very different from the English sysytem, lol).**

**Chapter Two**

Sam had spent the last two days trying to get Dean to open up and talk to him but he was stubbornly refusing; as always. He had been thinking about this almost constantly; about how Dean could just give up on his dreams like that.

Dean on the other hand was pretending that it had never happened. Whenever Sam had tried to bring it back up Dean had made up some excuse and quickly made an exit. It was beginning to get annoying.

On the third day Sam made sure he wouldn't be able to leave. They were driving to their next job and there would be no way that Dean would be able to worm his way out of it when they were in a moving vehicle.

"So," he started but Dean interrupted.

"We're not talking about it Sammy," he growled; his eyes not leaving the road.

"Yes we are."

"I don't see what it has to do with anything; it was a long time ago."

"But I just don't understand," Sam said; exasperatedly. Dean shook his head. He had been hoping that he could avoid this talk for a long time but now Sam was forcing him. Rolling his eyes; he found somewhere safe to pull over and he stopped the car. He turned the ignition off and leaned back in the seat.

Dean closed his eyes, still wanting to put this off for as long as possible but Sam wasn't having any of it.

"Talk to me Dean," he said quietly. "Tell me."

"I already told you," Dean replied; slightly irritated. "I applied; I got in, I rejected them. What is there more to say?"

"Why did you apply in the first place?"

"It doesn't matter," Dean said for the millionth time that week.

"You must have had a reason for doing it."

Dean sighed and shook his head. "I just wanted to see if I could," he told Sam. "The guidance counsellor at the school I was at told me that with SAT scores like mine I could go pretty much anywhere I wanted to."

"You told dad you flunked the SATs," Sam said, surprised at what Dean was telling him.

"I lied," Dean replied; looking down at his hands. "It was easier that way."

"How would it be easier?"

"If dad never knew about then it didn't have to be real. It could just be a dream that I had and he wouldn't be able to crush it by saying I couldn't go."

"But you could have gone. Dean, dad didn't control your life, you didn't have to listen to everything he said."

"And what good would that have done? If I'd left then it would've been just like you. I wouldn't have spoken to him for years. I just couldn't do it."

"Dean…"

"Don't Sam. Don't say what you're thinking," he turned to his brother. He looked sad Sam noticed. "It's not just what dad would've said about it. I couldn't leave you," he paused for a moment. "What do you think would have happened if I had gone and left you behind?" It was a genuine question; Dean was actually asking him what he thought, not being sarcastic.

"I don't know," Sam shrugged his shoulders.

"Do you think things would be different? That if I'd gone off to college and you'd stayed behind with dad then you'd be more like me?"

"Well who's to say that I would have stayed too? I could still have gone to college."

"I don't think that would have happened. Dad would have made sure that it didn't."

"How? He couldn't keep me from going to college."

"Yeah, maybe," Dean replied sadly. "You never called, you know?" He changed the subject slightly.

"What?" Sam wasn't completely sure what Dean was talking about.

"You never called," Dean repeated. "You told me when you left that you would call when you got to Stanford to let me know you got there safe but you never did."

Sam now realised what Dean was talking about and he felt really bad. He had promised to call and he hadn't.

"I waited for two days, didn't dare turn off my phone in case you tried to get in touch."

"I'm sorry Dean," he apologised.

"I started to get really worried, started to think that something awful had happened to you and I wasn't there to protect you."

"How did you know I was okay?"

"I called someone who called someone and they found out you'd got there safe but I was really scared for a while." Sam stared at his brother seeing a side of Dean that he never usually let show. He was obviously agitated; he was rubbing his hands together and fiddling with the ring on his finger. But he was also very sad. He wasn't crying or anything over-emotional like that but he had this look on his face that just broke Sam's heart. "All I could think about was how you left and I never got a chance to tell you how proud I was."

"I never knew," Sam whispered. They both sat in silence for a few minutes before Sam managed to speak again, "Dean, what was it like after I left?"

"What?"

"What was it like? How was dad?"

"It was like before you left only you weren't there. Dad always wanted to check up on you. Even though he was too proud to talk to you and make up; he always wanted to know that you were okay. But after you left we began spending more and more time apart. He would send me off on hunts by myself more and more; sometimes I wouldn't see him for a couple of weeks."

"Must have been hard," Sam commented.

Dean shrugged his shoulders, "Wasn't what I would've wanted but I didn't really have a say in the matter. It's just instead of having one person to constantly worry about I had two."

"I wish I hadn't broken off contact with you after I left," Sam admitted to Dean.

"Really?" Dean sounded surprised.

"The whole first year I was there I felt so alone. There were times I wanted to quit so bad and find you."

"What made you change your mind?"

"I just kept imagining dad saying 'I told you so' and it made me so angry I became more determined to prove him wrong."

"I guess that's a good a reason as any," Dean smirked. "Are we done with this now because all this sharing, caring crap is beginning to wear me out?"

"Yeah I guess we're done," Sam couldn't help but smile back. That was typical Dean; taking an emotional moment and turning it into a joke.

"Good," Dean sighed in relief before he started the car up again. "I think we've had enough click flick moments in the last half hour to last a lifetime," he pushed a cassette into the tape player; turned the volume up high and sped off to the sounds of Led Zeppelin.


End file.
